In mid-November we asked a question of all the golfers who subscribe to our Newsletter. Why, we enquired, are there no euphemisms for thick, stupid or forgetful golfers - such as: 'The lights are on but nobody's home', or 'His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.'
We started the ball rolling with: 'A full club short of the green'; 'teeing off without a ball' and 'not playing with all 14 clubs' and our editor subsequently suggested 'No sand in his bunker.'
Well, we seem to have opened a can of worms because a number of you have responded (and thanks to you all) with suggestions. For example, Stuart Deed from Perth wrote:
In response to your request regarding some phrases that may convey the image
of a dimwitted golfer. Perhaps some of these may be considered.
He's a bit short of the standard scratch.
He's a bay short of a driving range.
Not the longest driver in the bag.
Playing on only 17 holes.
Playing in his own Texas scramble.
Four down with three to play.
A dram short of the 19th hole.
A Masters short of a grand slam.
The score's down but the card's not signed.
If his IQ were shots he'd play off scratch.
He's saving his mulligan for the 19th hole.
Or a pound short in the sweep.
I could go on but I'm sure you want me to stop.
Meanwhile, a Scot currently exiled in Luxembourg by the name of Bob Henderson wrote: 'I've been here 30 years but still visit the old homeland from time-to-time. Great country but just too much rain!
I once heard this one - I think in reference to Ian Woosnam - that always struck me as befitting of many golfers: "His mouth is two fairways ahead of his brain."'
Derek Urquhart, who lives in Dundee, just a pitching wedge away from the ScottishGolf office, says: 'Obviously you missed the easy one - Off His Trolley' - before going on to suggest:
One hole short of a course
Got the wrong break of the green.
Paul Robson of 'sunny Giffnock in Glasgow' said: 'Hello. Most of these probably apply to me!
One bunker short of a bad shot.
One slice short of a bad round.
A bag full of balls but not a club in it.
A blunt pencil short of a scorecard.
A scorecard short of a bad around.
Half a pencil and no scorecard.
The ball's on the green but no one's putting.
The ball's on the tee but no ones driving.'
Finally, William Mungall from Clydebank, who is a past captain of Clydebank and District GC (but we won't hold that against him, Ed) suggests:
Sand in the heid - well bunkered.
Many thanks to you all but it seems to us that Scotland is over represented here so how about some of our transatlantic cousins, or those of you in other far-flung corners of the world, picking up the gauntlet and sending us your suggestions - after all, national honour is at stake.
And if you want to subscribe to the fortnightly Newsletter that kicked the whole thing off, see the left hand side of the Home Page, under the main menu bar.
|| 28 - NOVEMBER 2001